| You should believe that all great things have started with a bout of insomnia. For the longest time, maybe years, sleep has ruled me. I thought I was ruling sleep but it was the other way around. It is a funny idea, to be ruled by a involuntary action that is supposed to bring relief to your life. But that is not the case with me and may never be. I was laying in bed at 5 o'clock this morning--having went to bed at 2--when I got fed up with it. This is nuts, just plain nuts. I could have done great things, maybe written a book, in the countless hours I have spent staring up at the ceiling wondering what time I would doze off. I got up, put on some shorts, and went running. If you know anything about Gazebo, which you probably don't. There is no place to run. It's mostly pavement, which I'm pretty sure is not good for the knees. (This by the way pisses me off. I'm tired of fear. I'm tired of worrying about what the pavement will do to my knees in one session of running. I'm tired of thinking I'm going to die the next time I fly. I'm tired of being afraid of ticks. I'm tired of fearing the future, the past, authority, my religious background, what people think about me, my skinny legs, my plaid shorts, bipartisan democracy, getting the shits from eating at taco bell, paying the right amount for car insurance, paying the right amount for the apartment, finding a summer job, finding a summer residence, going home, death, sex, women, fried chicken and what it does to my artieries, offending others, the books on my desk, dehydration, finals, graduation, the nation of China, twisting my ankle because the grass was wet, the traffic on Nolensville, cops (they're everywhere), what my professors think of me, not reading enough poetry, not reading enough, never finishing a book, my mother, family reunions, Canadians, God, Jesus, the Holy Ghost, not being hip enough, spiders in my apartment, the elderly etc.) I began running on the little patches of grass outside of my apartment. Screw it, I'll just go to the nearby football field and run around the track. I left the gated community, jogged up the sidewalk and found the football field of Glencliff Highschool. Have you ever seen a football field without a track? It's rather depressing but funny. Kind of like the 8 year old that picks his nose. I walked around the perimeter--fenced off, pretty well-- and eventually found the track behind the foot ball field stands--also fenced off. It was dilipated, like an old hot wheels track that was missing half its parts. Yet, and I hesitate to say this, in the 5:30 cloudy sunlight it emitted a poetic optimism: an old whale waited to be conquered. I had daydreams of losing my virginity in the middle of that patch of grass. Why? Because I think inside of me I am ready for a change. One day I will ignore the no trespassing sign, hop the fence, and hit the ground running. If we believe in God, then we must believe he does everything for a reason. Is there a possiblity that everyone who has ever had insomnia has had it for some higher purpose? God has kept me awake, that is the only explanation. I discovered that this morning standing behind a fence looking at a dilipated old track. |
